“I had to learn how to suppress my sexuality in order to stay in my marriage.”
My marriage was great initially…but I should have left after six months into it. I stayed another three years because I believed that people generally are good and want to better themselves. I believed that we both could be better, better for each other. I believed that we both took our vows seriously and that we both would put in the effort to make things work. Of course, I now know and have learned the hard way that this is not true. Just because I wanted to work at things, doesn’t mean that my (ex) husband wanted to.
To give you a little more background on the two of us from a sexual standpoint, I love to have sex. I usually can’t get enough of it; I like it at any time and any place. It is one of the ways that I feel most connected to my partner. I view sex in a relationship like food, water, and air are to life: vital. My (ex) husband seemed to share those views with me during our courtship. Our sex life was fun, exciting, and spontaneous. We couldn’t keep our hands off of each other and would sometimes have sex multiple times a day. Once I became his wife, all of that changed.
The spontaneity disappeared along with his affection. He became very jealous, angry, and irrational. He began to withhold sex from me as a weapon, as a way to control and punish me. We went from having sex multiple times a day, to once a week, to once a month, to going an entire year without sex. I felt like I was drowning. I was a young, horny, frustrated, angry, confused, lonely, and emotionally abused newlywed. Mentally, I tried to rationalize it all, but in reality, he was killing my soul a little bit more each day.
I was at a complete and utter loss. I didn’t want to cheat but my need for that physical connection was eating me alive. Anytime another man would make a pass at me, I felt butterflies fly around in circles in my stomach. I felt like a human being again; someone wanted me and desired me. It was all that was missing from my marriage and it was exactly what I needed. It was so hard not to give in but I chose to suppress my urges and avoid situations that might tempt me.
Making the choice to never cross the line of infidelity was very hard to do. Instead, I continued down the course with my (ex) husband. I thought if maybe I did things differently to try to make him happier, then maybe he could or would reciprocate. I learned to play his beloved video games, cook his favorite meals, and buy him things he wanted. I basically became his bitch. I also began to work out, thinking maybe if I toned up or lost a little bit of weight, he might desire me more. I also used my workouts as a way to get out most of the built-up tension I was feeling. Over time, the end result was that he made me feel ashamed of my need for sex and I had to learn how to suppress my sexuality in order to stay in my marriage.
With the years that have passed by, I am able to see things much more clearly now, after all hindsight is 20/20. I know that him withholding sex from me had everything to do with him, and had absolutely nothing to do with me. He knew that I loved sex and that was the only thing he could ever hold over me. He made me feel guilty of my sexual needs and there was nothing for me to be ashamed of. This is who I am! These are my needs! I was just a woman that wanted to have sex with her husband!
If I had to do it over all again, I’m not sure if I would survive. Denying who I was really was the worst thing I could have done to myself. I prioritized another person over myself which should never happen in ANY relationship. I ended up losing myself completely which made it harder to get myself back once I was on my own again.
With all that being said, I have used the last year to reflect on the things that took place and move forward. I slowly began to rediscover my sexuality and my physical needs. I have realized that I must always be my own #1 (because no one else is going to do it). And I will never end up in a situation like that again.
This overall process of rediscovery, sex, dating, and relationships are something that I plan to explore in this blog. It will be exploratory, detailed, and honest. Some parts will be exciting and glamorous while other parts will be awkward and uncomfortable. My intent is to connect with other people, in whatever way that is. I hope to inspire, educate, and intrigue my readers.