After being in what I deem to be a sex deprived marriage, I lost so much of myself. I forgot what it was like to be me. And I didn’t allow myself to be who I actually was for so long because if I did, I knew our marriage would fall apart.  I put my ex-husband above all of my physical needs; so much of who I was became suppressed and lost.

After not having sex in over a year, I had become numb to everything and anything sexual. The high or rush that I used to get from male attention no longer existed.  It was as if I had been trained or trained myself to no longer gravitate towards those feelings or that attention. So, here is the story of how one kiss awoke Pandora’s box:

I was out one night with a group of friends at a local bar and one of them brought a few new comers to our group. Apparently, it was a friend of friend’s birthday so our normal group grew a little larger that night. The birthday boy was a younger guy, wearing jeans and an over-sized hooded sweatshirt. I didn’t know who he was, but his long red hair and a thick red beard caught my attention when he walked in.  We ended up at opposite ends of the table during the night and didn’t talk at all. We were such a large group that I didn’t think anything of it, or anything more of him.

We all hung out at the bar for hours and as the night came to an end, he approached my end of the table.  He sat across from me and sparked up some generic conversation. As the group slowly began to part ways, he asked if I wanted to go to another bar with him and the friend he came with.  It was still pretty early for me, so I agreed. He took down my number, and I told him I’d meet them over at the next spot once we all finished up.

We ended up meeting in the parking lot of one of the most rugged dive bars in town. We walked in, sat at the bar, and were promptly ID-ed.  I gave the bartender my driver’s license and she quickly handed it back to me. She looked at them and prompted them again for their IDs.  My red-head said, “We don’t have our IDs on us.”

“Sorry, if you don’t have an ID you have to leave,” she replied.

I looked over at him, “How do you not have your IDs?”

He replied, “I just don’t.”  The three of us got up and walked out together where I suggested one last bar. I knew the servers and assured him they wouldn’t ID him or his friend.  After all, it was his birthday…I guess he lost his ID at the last bar?

We drove a mile down the street and pulled into the parking of our last-ditch attempt at carrying on the evening.  I could already see that the lights inside of the restaurant were off; it was closed.  I stopped in the middle of the parking lot and his friend pulled up next to my car. We simultaneously unrolled our windows and I said, “Sorry, I guess they closed early.” 

I put my finger on the button to roll up my window when his friend peered over at me from the driver’s seat and said “How about a birthday kiss for him?”

I laughed out loud with hesitation.  Why would he want to kiss me? I was completely naive to this situation.  At this point I hadn’t kissed anyone else except my ex-husband in almost five years. I had been separated and divorced for 9 months and hadn’t had sexual feelings or contact with anyone at all in over a year. I had blocked off that side of me.  That entire part of me was so locked up, so suppressed. I didn’t think it was in me anymore; I actually thought it had died. As all of these thoughts flashed in my head, I took deep breath and I thought to myself, it’s his birthday just give him a kiss…what the hell, “Okay,” I said.

I figured it was time, after all…it was his birthday.  It was just a harmless kiss, maybe this would be a good way to ease back into things? I opened my car door and stepped out; he followed.  We met at the back of the pick up truck they were driving around in that night.  I leaned my body back against it and he got closer to me.  I felt nervous and confused, I laughed out loud again. It was unfamiliar, uncomfortable, and anxiety-ridden.  He put his hands on my sides and took another step closer. I closed my eyes and he leaned forward and kissed me.  In that exact second of time, I was unsure of everything; unsure if this was actually a good idea, unsure about the fact that I was divorced, unsure about what I was doing.

There were way too many thoughts circulating in my head. And then, in the middle of our brief make-out session, he bit down hard on my lower lip. Literally, every loud voice, thought, and concern in my head just shut the fuck up.  I no longer could think; I could just feel.  I felt an incredibly powerful rush in my stomach, like butterflies but something so much more. This energy felt out of control, forbidden, and exciting.  We continued to kiss and he bit my lip again even harder. I felt my breath become more out of control, my stomach and vagina clench, my hips move closer towards him. These were things I hadn’t felt or experienced in so long, I had forgotten what it was like.

As the make-out session came to an end and our lips parted ways, I took a step back and smiled at him.  He asked if we could go somewhere else to continue the evening, but I decided it was best to call it a night. We both got back in our vehicles and went our separate ways.

It’s crazy to think, but that first bite unleashed my Pandora’s box, the box with all of my sexual needs and desires that had been repressed and ignored for so long. With the next few days that passed, I felt more awake and alive, and began to remember how happy and fulfilling my life was before my marriage.  I began to smile more 🙂 Another step in the healing process launched.

PS-I found out why he didn’t “have” his ID. He had just turned 20 years old that night…and yes I’m in my 30s.