The First Rejection…

I have received feedback from some of my subscribers that are curious to learn more about my divorce.  I figure that before I get to sex after divorce, I would use some of the next posts to give you all a deeper understanding of how and why I got divorced.  For me, it is an extremely scary and hard place to go back to and write about. But, it seems that many of you feel connected to my experiences that I have shared so far, and keeping that connection going is most important to me. So here goes…

In my opinion, one of the worst things in the world (aside from death) is rejection.  It’s hard for anyone to deal with the fact that they have been snubbed, that they aren’t good enough, and that someone doesn’t like them.  It is hurtful and lead us to question ourselves. Even the most confident person would struggle with this, especially if it was coming from someone they were close to.

I was dealing with rejection in my marriage but on a whole other level.  I was being rejected from sex very shortly after our wedding.  The first time he pushed me away was when I offered him a blow-job.  I remember the evening very well.  We both had a long day at work, but he was particularly stressed out.  I don’t remember exactly why he was so stressed, but he was clearly very frustrated and angry. His speech was very forceful and succinct, it was a little scary.  He explained that it wasn’t me and that he just had a rough day at work.

I felt bad for him. I knew what it was like to feel stressed out from work as much as the next person.  I also know that orgasms relive stress so I thought I’d offer him one.  I figured it would be a way to feel more connected to him (since he was being distant) and we were newlyweds who should have been having sex like jack-rabbits anyways.   I gave him some space to let him unwind for a few hours and then it was time for bed.  As we lay down in bed next to each other to watch a little TV before falling asleep, I tried to take off his boxer briefs.  “What are you doing?” he asked me in a confused and hasty tone. He still seemed angry.

I encouragingly said, “I’m going to give you a blowjob.”

He laughed and said, “Babe you don’t have to do that.”

“But I want to. You’ve had a stressful day and this will help you relax and sleep better.”

“No babe, I’m good” he responded.  He turned away from me, laid on his side of the bed, and went to sleep.

He passed out pretty quickly, and I laid there, on my side of the bed, staring up at the ceiling.  I tried not to overthink it and just tried to assume he was tired.  But it was really weird…wasn’t it?  I couldn’t think of any other time where a man told me “No” when I offered him a blowjob.  Usually, it was always the other way around, where they ask for it and I would deny them.

This experience doesn’t seem to be too bold, however, it was the first time I noticed that things were different. And they would continue to be different forever. I was left feeling disconnected and confused; I didn’t quite get it and I never would.

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