After Goldilocks, I began to crave the attention and the high I got from men.  My libido was kickstarted and I needed my next fix.  As next few weeks went on, I jumped on Bumble (the dating app) and began drunk swiping.  I remember sitting at the bar with my friend, and we were on our fourth drink when I matched with The Captain.  He appeared to be a younger (but older than Goldilocks) rugby player with a man bun that caught my attention.  I wasn’t sure if I was particularly attracted to his face, but I was definitely attracted to his body, and the fact that his profile photos were of him dominating on the field in uniform. He looked like he knew how to take control and that’s exactly what I was looking for.

We began messaging back and forth while I sat at the bar that night.  He quickly mentioned he was strictly looking for a hookup, and I eagerly confirmed.  He took charge in the conversation and told me he wanted to meet later that week.   As the days went on we continued chatting on bumble, texting, and snapchatting (snapchatting is always good because it allows you to know if the person is real and what they really look like aside from the photos they post online.)  He invited me over to the rugby house (a house where multiple 18-24-year-old rugby players live) that Friday night and aside from the fact that I didn’t want to walk in on a college party (as someone who graduated college 10 years ago), I was completely exhausted and decided not to go.  I was a little embarrassed that I couldn’t hold up my end of the bargain, after all this was what I wanted…right?!  I suggested we could meet the following night.  He was disappointed but polite about it and assured me he would be ready for Saturday.

That night I went out and had a few drinks with my girlfriends.  He picked me up from the bar once we decided to call it a night. I walked up to his old red pickup truck and opened the door.  It smelled like mix between an old sandwich that had been sitting in his car for the past two days and a dirty gym bag.  I looked in and said hello.  He turned and smiled at me.  He was wearing jeans and a grey fitted zip up that was just tight enough for his muscular arms to show through. His man bun looked extra messy. He said what’s up…and back to my house we went. Once we got there, things were slightly awkward.  We talked in the kitchen for a little bit to feel each other out.  For some reason, we were trying to find things we may have in common with each other when the fact of the matter was, there was nothing that we had in common other than a physical attraction.  We would soon realize that, and to let him know I wanted to move things forward with him, I said “Let me show you where you’ll be sleeping tonight”.

I walked him into my bedroom and we both got in bed.  I turned on the TV because I wanted to find an easy way to avoid having to make the first move, I wanted him to take control, just like I saw in the photos.  I turned on something from the DVR, and then again there was that awkward silence.  I would glance over and him, he would glance back, and then I would turn away. I was unsure, uneasy, and anxious. I wasn’t sure how this was all going to go down.

This continued for ten long minutes until he finally made his move.  As we were both laying down in my bed, he sat up and leaned over on top of me to begin kissing me.  I could feel the butterflies in my stomach begin to fly in circles over and over as fast as they could, as if they were on speed. His lips tasted rough but smooth, and very sensual.  I could smell the odor from his truck on his body and clothes.  As we continued kissing more intensely, our tongues danced deeper and I was reminded that he had a tongue ring (it had been a while since I’ve seen or felt one of those).  He pulled away from my lips and grabbed me at my waist to pull me on top of him. He pulled my shirt up over my head, unhooked my bra and threw it on the floor.  He immediately sat up and grabbed my breasts and began to caress them, kissing them with his mouth.  He moved his tongue in a circular motion which made my nipples hard.  He was taking full control and I was getting more and more aroused.  This was exactly what I wanted, what I needed, what I yearned for…and what had been missing for so long from my life.  As I got more aroused, my crazed coked out butterflies stopped flying around in my stomach and I started to feel more relaxed.  This all felt normal to me; I felt more in my comfort zone.

I decided to take the next step and grabbed his fitted zip-up and lifted it up over his head.  He knew I wanted him…he flipped me back over onto my back, so he could be on top.  His energy was a cocky-confident and he clearly wanted to be back in control. He began kissing me from my neck, and then down to my breasts ensuring my nipples were hard.  He moved his lips lower down my stomach until he reached the top of my pants. He hastily unbuttoned my them, unzipped them, took them off simultaneously with my underwear, and threw them on the floor.  He grabbed my ankles to pull me down closer to him.  I knew what was about to happen, I was so excited.  It was as if things started to move in slow motion.  I watched as he began to bend his face down lower towards my pelvis.  He was looked straight down at my vagina and didn’t look back up.  He got closer and closer…and then he stuck his tongue deep inside of me. I could feel his tongue ring go back and forth, in and out…. over and over.  I could feel the metal, it felt cool, the friction was intense.  He went slower, then faster.  I couldn’t control myself and began to moan.  I couldn’t stop, he couldn’t stop, this couldn’t stop.  It was so good, it was too good, it was amazing.  He continued to go to town on my vagina, sticking his tongue back and forth inside of me and with each tongue thrust I felt higher and higher.

I remember thinking, if he’s this good at this, I wonder how great he is at sex?  I needed to experience all that he had to offer.  I told him I wanted him inside of me, and he did one last deep tongue thrust that ended with when he pulled his tongue back out and slowly upward against my clitoris.  My legs jolted, and my heart was racing.  I couldn’t control it and it made me laugh. I hadn’t felt pleasure like this in so long (over a year) and forgot how great it could feel.

He sat up at the edge of the bed, in between my legs.  Before I let him enter me, I wanted to return the favor.  It seemed only appropriate after the head he’d just given me.  I sat up and began to undo his belt, unbutton his pants, and then he immediately took them off. As he went to throw them on the floor, I grabbed his penis with my right hand and put it in my mouth.  His penis was beautiful, a perfect pink circumcised rod of flesh.  It was such a great size, slightly bigger than normal, and the girth was ideal.  His dick was perfect and it felt perfect in my mouth.  I immediately tasted his precum which was a surprise and excited me to know that I had already turned him on so much.   As I held his penis in my hand I bobbed up and down, sucking hard, moving my tongue around in circles.  I began to twist my hand in a circular motion along with the bobbing and could feel him getting harder and harder.  His dick began to throb as I went deeper and deeper.  He then said, “Ugh I want to be inside you so bad right now” and that was my cue to stop.

The silence and awkwardness from before was gone.  We weren’t speaking…but we were speaking the same language.  Our bodies were moving in sync.

I asked him for a condom – of which he didn’t have. This part was super confusing because he knew he was coming over to have sex. Why wouldn’t he have a condom? Luckily, I was able to find one in the nightstand (It was from my bachelorette party from before I got married and surprisingly hadn’t expired.).  Before I could even hand it to him, he grabbed it out of my hand and put it on.  He came up beside me and put his arms under my armpits and pushed/threw me back on the bed. As my body hit the sheets I smiled. He grinned back at me. He climbed on top of me and I opened my legs, ready for what was about to come next.  His face brushed next to mine and I grabbed his hair in my hands.  I breathed all of him in at that moment as he slowly entered me.  I felt so full, so aroused, so physically connected to this person.  He thrust back and forth over and over bringing me higher and higher-both physically and mentally.  Our rhythms were in sync, our bodies pushed and pulled together. He began to move faster. I grabbed his back and squeezed it, I rubbed my hands up and down his body.  He felt like warm steel – his body was solid. He went back and forth like a perfect machine made for my pleasure.  Everything about this was hot, and I continued to get high.

Just as I was getting into it, he pulled out and flipped me over. He wanted me from behind. There was more of that dominance that I saw in the sports pictures, the dominance that I yearned for.  As I assumed the position and got on all fours, he grabbed each of my butt cheeks with each of his hands and again brought his penis to the opening of my vagina. I exhaled as he paused.  As he entered me, he squeezed both of his hands, intensifying everything I was feeling.  As we began to rock back and forth, he moved his hands from my ass cheeks to my hips for better control.  He was the Captain and I was his ship. He steered me in each direction he wanted. He controlled me, and I was all about it.  He was a man, he was THE man in this moment and at this point he knew he could have me any way he wanted.  My heart was racing but I felt completely calm and content in the moment. His breathing began to get heavier as the thrusting continued.  He took his hands off my hips for a moment to smack my ass.  “Grab my hair,” I instructed him. And he grabbed my hair with his right hand pulling tightly and went back to putting his left hand on my hip; he was in full control.  His breathing intensified, and mine did too. I pulled my head downwards to feel the hold he had on me, on my hair.  A few seconds later, he slowly began to let go of my hair and said, “I’m going to come.”  With a few more thrusts, he finished.

He got up and went to clean himself up in the bathroom as I lay down in my bed on my stomach, speechless, still high, and still trying to process all the intensity I was feeling.  When he came back to bed he asked if I was okay.  I told him I was as he pulled the bed sheets up over us.  It was a little past 3AM and time to get some shut-eye.  We slept naked that night. Well, he slept.  I was still so high. He literally just mind fucked the shit out of me. I couldn’t go to sleep. My heart was racing and I couldn’t believe this 24-year-old just fucked me the way I had needed and wanted to get fucked for the past 5 years.  I just lay there in awe about what just happened. I felt so alive, so amazing, so high. It made me realize how dead I had been feeling in my marriage, since my marriage.  My libido was like Sleeping Beauty, asleep for years and year and the Captain just woke her the fuck up. As I lay in bed staring up at the ceiling, I began to remember my sexuality, how sexual I was, how sexual I am. This was good…. very good because it reminded me of who I am, what I want, my desires and sexual needs and that they are normal and good and healthy (unlike what my ex-husband would have said). But it also felt forbidden.  The Captain awoke a beast. A beast that had been asleep for a long time.  But now the beast is awake and going to want to have lots and lots of sex…way too often.   I’m probably totally fucked but it doesn’t matter because the feeling I have in this moment, it’s too good.  If this is what drugs are like then I totally get why people do them. If I could get this high from the Captain every time we have sex, I would probably stay in bed and just have sex with him all day. I would forget about eating, I would just do him over and over.

My mind continued to race.  I was up most of the night, getting up and drinking water, peeing, trying to go back to sleep. I just couldn’t.  The sun began to rise and shine through my bedroom windows.  I should have been restless about having sex with him again, but I still couldn’t get past what had just happened hours prior.  An hour or two later he woke up.  As he laid there on his back, I cuddled up next to him and lifted the sheets to confirm what I suspected, he was aroused.  When I saw it, I knew I needed more of him. Without hesitation (or any words being spoken), I sat up, leaned over, grabbed his dick and put it in my mouth.  A rush of memories, feelings, and the high from the previous night flooded my mind. Before I even had a chance to think about what I was doing, he grabbed my hips and began to pull them back towards his face.  He wanted to 69, me on top.  Without taking my lips off his penis, he guided my body back until my vagina was right over his mouth. The mind-fucking and face-fucking started all over again.

As he tongue-fucked me again, it was hard to retain control of my body.  I was moaning so much that it was hard for me to keep blowing him, even harder for me to hold myself up.  The sensations were on the cusp of explosive. I could feel my vagina pulsating, I was close.

I needed to feel him inside of me again. I sat up and hopped off his face. I didn’t even say anything, he knew what I wanted.  He got up and grabbed a condom from my nightstand and lay back down in the bed. I sat down on top of him and began to ride back and forth, up and down. For a second, all the negative thoughts of my ex-husband and What happened in Santorini… came to mind.  I could hear my ex say, “hurry up and come already”, I could visualize that moment and exactly how I felt in it.  Why was this happening? PTSD?  Why was this where my mind was going?

In my head, I told myself firmly to STOP.  I made the decision that I was going to embrace the present, fuck my ex.  I was going to enjoy everything about this moment and not let that prick affect me.  I grabbed the top of the headboard with my hands and kept moving, leaving my insecurities behind.  I looked down at him, his eyes were closed.  I closed mine and with each movement, the Captain brought me higher and higher.  As I got close to climax again, I heard the him say “ugh.”  It was quiet and monotone, I wasn’t even sure if he said anything or if was in fact the bed squeaking.  I stopped my movement, looked down, and asked “what?”  He said, “I think I came.”

I think I came? You “think” you came? Either you did or you didn’t. WTF.  “Damn, I was really close,” I said as I could feel my vagina contracting.

“I’m sorry,” he said.   Fuck! Really dude? He didn’t offer to finish me off; I was now sexually frustrated.  After that we jumped in his car and drove back to the bar to get my car. The entire ride was awkward. We didn’t talk, there was nothing to talk about.  Seven minutes later we arrived at my car, I got out and that was it.

Once I got home, I masturbated to release my frustrations.  I was so high. It was amazing. As great and weird and awkward as the entire experience was, I had the highest natural high I have ever experienced in my life up to this point. I was happy, smiling, excited, energetic, and felt simply fabulous.  This high lasted for three or four days and then slowly tapered off at the end of the week.

What the Captain taught me was that I’m still young, still fabulous, and still amazing. He showed me that by eliminating the negative thoughts about my ex from my mind, that I could rise higher than I have before. He confirmed that I am good at sex, (he came with no problems) where my ex made me feel insecure.  He helped me to end the insecurities that my ex created for me during our marriage. I was able to see that so much of what was wrong in our marriage came from his own insecurities; he had to put me down and make me insecure so that he could feel better about himself.  The more that I closed that chapter of my life, the more I got away from my ex, the happier I could be…. the happier I WOULD be.  Thanks for the lesson, Captain.