This is a raw journal entry from my time with the Blue Sky…

October 26

I feel more confidant and comfortable about where we are.  I think back to two weeks ago and feel like I was such a nutcase fueled by all my own insecurities.  But he came to homecoming with me this past weekend, and then came over Monday and stayed over.  When I look in his eyes, he melts my heart.  I have become much more confident in being myself around him.  I have become more comfortable telling him things about how I feel – oh this feels, you feel good – to complimenting him – I have never felt more sexually connected to someone before, and you sell yourself short, you are amazing.  He says absolutely nothing when I say these things to him – complete and utter silence.  It used to feel empty, but I don’t feel that way anymore.  And I think that is because I am feeling more confident in myself and do not seek validating from him.  He doesn’t need to say anything back to me right now, not until he is ready.  I can feel our energy continuing to shift.  Before, I would feel uncomfortable and giddy looking in his eye…and now, in the morning, after our overnight, I catch him looking at me and when I look back, he turns away like a little kid with a crush.

…a continuation after the morning…

Today is the perfect rainy day. It’s crazy to think that a year ago, I was in the darkest place in my life, where today I’m on cloud 9.  I was up till 2AM having the most mind-blowing sex I have ever had in my life. The connection I have with my new beau is indescribable. It’s like Carrie and Big, or Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele.  I never really knew that a sexual connection like this could exist; it’s like you can’t believe something like this ever existed until you experience it.  He’s my own personal version of heroin…I would go without eating, sleeping, drinking…just to feel him inside of me.

We were up until 2am last night having sex…from the bedroom, to the shower, to the bedroom, back to the shower, back to the bedroom.  Then we took a brief rest, only to go again before agreeing to fall asleep.  Around 5AM, he woke me up by rubbing his hands up and down my body, stopping and gently waking up my vagina.  We started on our right side when he slowly pushed inside of me, and we continued to me on top, to him on top, to me face down.  As he increased his breath and his speed, I knew he was about to climax.  He pulled out and finished on my butt.  The second he pulled out, it felt like something was missing from me; I wanted him back inside of me.

We cleaned up and tried to go back to sleep.  As incredibly exhausted as I was, I fought between sleep and awake.  I needed sleep, but I yearned for him more.  Around 8AM, I could feel the wind pick up from the window in my bedroom, the rain began to come down, and we were ready for another round.  He climbed on top, looked me deep in my eyes – I could feel our souls touching (is that even possible?) – and entered me again.  Every which way, every position…our bodies danced together.

I made some breakfast and we spent the morning in bed.  The rain began to stop and it looked like the weather may turn around.  He had planned to leave to catch a train home at 11:30 and put his pants on.  But I had to have him again, one more time.  As he lay in my bed on his stomach, I began to kiss his back kissing lower onto his butt.  I sunk my teeth in slightly and smiled on the inside as I felt his body clench up.  I kissed him more and more, using my tongue to trace the area I had just bitten.  I began to pull his pants down lower, and he turned over on his back.  He was semi-erect.  I pulled his boxers down enough so that his penis was exposed and I put it in my mouth.  I began to bounce up and down and could feel him getting more and more aroused.  I knew he wouldn’t let me have this much control for much longer, he grabbed my hair and pulled me back so I was now laying on top of him…