Today is the day I am getting a divorce…

I awake to the sound of my alarm.  It’s 8AM and the sun shining through my bedroom windows on this beautiful summer day.  I slowly open my eyes and stare at the ceiling, feeling surprisingly calm.  Somehow, I got a decent nights’ sleep, all the while knowing that today I will go court at 9:30AM to finalize my divorce from my (ex) husband.

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The Final Straw…

After everything that I had gone through up until this point, the shock of it all began to subside and denial crept in.  I was in denial about what was happening, and somehow thought we still had a shot even though he moved out and we officially filed divorce paperwork. Although a divorce day was set, after a few months of distance and couples counseling, we decided to try to give it a final try.  He continued to struggle with being the man he wanted to be, the man he told me he was, versus who he really was and his expectations of me.  We began to “date” again.  Unfortunately, it was all half-assed on his part and it felt like we were both were just going through the motions.  We were both unhappy and it was palpable. 

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A Deeper Look at Abuse…

As I rewrote many of these posts about the emotional abuse I was subject to, I judged myself pretty harshly.  I felt like I sound pathetic, like a loser. I wondered that if I thought it, that you may have thought it, too.  As a result, I felt it was important to shine some further light on my situation and the topic of emotional abuse.

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What happened in Croatia, the second time he took his ring off…

At this point in time, we were about three years into our marriage and a little over a year from when we would actually divorce.  We would travel often, using vacations and traveling as a way to avoid dealing with our issues.  When we were away from everyone, I was isolated and he had more control over me.  In the same way, I felt more at ease because when he was in control, he was calmer.  And when he was calmer, I had less anxiety.  Each part fed off of each other; it was a vicious cycle we were spinning in.

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The first time he took me to get divorce papers…

“All of the clarity I thought I gained yesterday became clouded.  In that moment, I again became submissive and he regained all of the control.”
Picking up where the last post left off, I woke up that morning in my friend’s guest bedroom.  The rays of the sun shined through the windows lighting up the entire room.  I could still smell the bonfire on my hair and clothes from the night before. 

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When he accused me and my friend of being lesbians…

“What the fuck is wrong with you! She’s a fucking dike!” he said about my good friend, the friend whose phone I was using, the friend who is married to one of his very good friends who have three kids together.  He then suggested that I must want to fool around with her if I was going to sleep over…

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What happened in Mallorca…

“Then, I hear my tiny 104-pound younger sister say “Don’t you fucking put your hands on me.”  I stopped in the middle of peeing, stood up with my underwear around my ankles, and as I walked out the bathroom door, he passed me shouting at me “I’m not dealing with this shit, fuck you for choosing her over me, you bitch” and slammed the hotel room door in my face.”

My sister is one of my best friends. During the time my (ex) husband and I were dating, the two of them became close.  She was in our wedding, helped us tremendously through the planning process, and was very supportive of us as a couple.  For her birthday, the three of us went on a trip to Mallorca, Spain.

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The first time he took his ring off…

My ex-husband was and is ruled by anger. And in time, and through therapy, I learned that anger is a reaction to a feeling. That means that he could have been feeling frustrated, hurt, scared, disappointed, etc. and instead of acknowledging that feeling, he would react in a fit of anger. It is also very important to him that he always be right (stemming from his low self-esteem).  And when I challenged his thinking, he would get angry and we would usually get into a fight. Now let me be clear, it’s not like we were debating philosophical ideals, politics, or religion where we could seemingly get into a heated debate.  Our arguments would be over what actor starred in a certain movie, or what time a doctor’s appointment was the next morning, or something just as stupid. Trivial nonsense. 

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The First Rejection…

I have received feedback from some of my subscribers that are curious to learn more about my divorce.  I figure that before I get to sex after divorce, I would use some of the next posts to give you all a deeper understanding of how and why I got divorced.  For me, it is an extremely scary and hard place to go back to and write about. But, it seems that many of you feel connected to my experiences that I have shared so far, and keeping that connection going is most important to me. So here goes…

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Goldilocks

After being in what I deem to be a sex deprived marriage, I lost so much of myself. I forgot what it was like to be me. And I didn’t allow myself to be who I actually was for so long because if I did, I knew our marriage would fall apart.  I put my ex-husband above all of my physical needs; so much of who I was became suppressed and lost.

After not having sex in over a year, I had become numb to everything and anything sexual. The high or rush that I used to get from male attention no longer existed.  It was as if I had been trained or trained myself to no longer gravitate towards those feelings or that attention. So, here is the story of how one kiss awoke Pandora’s box:

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