The Young Gent

He began to cuddle me from behind. I didn’t want to like the feeling, because it felt so safe and good, like we had done it a hundred times before.  I allowed myself to feel it for a few seconds, knowing this wasn’t anything real, but for some reason it reminded me of what love is supposed to feel like.  It sure was a nice reminder.

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The Captain 2

After sleeping with the Captain, I couldn’t get him out of my head. I had a legit high from sleeping with him for five days – yes, five whole days before it eventually tapered off.  I felt more relaxed, happier, and somewhat euphoric.  My mind would flashback to moments from that night:  him going down on me, to the way his tongue ring felt against my clitoris, to how he fucked me from behind, to how he dominated my body.  At night before bed, I would masturbate to those visuals and relive the experiences, getting high all over again. It was my favorite way to fall asleep. 

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The First Time I Had Sex Again…

Eventually, he leaned in and kissed me, and I felt the spark again.  It felt like electricity running through my body, down my legs and out of my feet, and out of my arms and fingers.  I had that butterflies in your stomach feeling, and I knew I was about to have sex for the first time in over a year, the first time since my divorce.

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Today is the day I am getting a divorce…

I awake to the sound of my alarm.  It’s 8AM and the sun shining through my bedroom windows on this beautiful summer day.  I slowly open my eyes and stare at the ceiling, feeling surprisingly calm.  Somehow, I got a decent nights’ sleep, all the while knowing that today I will go court at 9:30AM to finalize my divorce from my (ex) husband.

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The Final Straw…

After everything that I had gone through up until this point, the shock of it all began to subside and denial crept in.  I was in denial about what was happening, and somehow thought we still had a shot even though he moved out and we officially filed divorce paperwork. Although a divorce day was set, after a few months of distance and couples counseling, we decided to try to give it a final try.  He continued to struggle with being the man he wanted to be, the man he told me he was, versus who he really was and his expectations of me.  We began to “date” again.  Unfortunately, it was all half-assed on his part and it felt like we were both were just going through the motions.  We were both unhappy and it was palpable. 

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A Deeper Look at Abuse…

As I rewrote many of these posts about the emotional abuse I was subject to, I judged myself pretty harshly.  I felt like I sound pathetic, like a loser. I wondered that if I thought it, that you may have thought it, too.  As a result, I felt it was important to shine some further light on my situation and the topic of emotional abuse.

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What happened in Croatia, the second time he took his ring off…

At this point in time, we were about three years into our marriage and a little over a year from when we would actually divorce.  We would travel often, using vacations and traveling as a way to avoid dealing with our issues.  When we were away from everyone, I was isolated and he had more control over me.  In the same way, I felt more at ease because when he was in control, he was calmer.  And when he was calmer, I had less anxiety.  Each part fed off of each other; it was a vicious cycle we were spinning in.

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The first time he took me to get divorce papers…

“All of the clarity I thought I gained yesterday became clouded.  In that moment, I again became submissive and he regained all of the control.”
Picking up where the last post left off, I woke up that morning in my friend’s guest bedroom.  The rays of the sun shined through the windows lighting up the entire room.  I could still smell the bonfire on my hair and clothes from the night before. 

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