I awake to the sound of my alarm. It’s 8AM and the sun shining through my bedroom windows on this beautiful summer day. I slowly open my eyes and stare at the ceiling, feeling surprisingly calm. Somehow, I got a decent nights’ sleep, all the while knowing that today I will go court at 9:30AM to finalize my divorce from my (ex) husband.
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As I rewrote many of these posts about the emotional abuse I was subject to, I judged myself pretty harshly. I felt like I sound pathetic, like a loser. I wondered that if I thought it, that you may have thought it, too. As a result, I felt it was important to shine some further light on my situation and the topic of emotional abuse.
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At this point in time, we were about three years into our marriage and a little over a year from when we would actually divorce. We would travel often, using vacations and traveling as a way to avoid dealing with our issues. When we were away from everyone, I was isolated and he had more control over me. In the same way, I felt more at ease because when he was in control, he was calmer. And when he was calmer, I had less anxiety. Each part fed off of each other; it was a vicious cycle we were spinning in.
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“All of the clarity I thought I gained yesterday became clouded. In that moment, I again became submissive and he regained all of the control.”
Picking up where the last post left off, I woke up that morning in my friend’s guest bedroom. The rays of the sun shined through the windows lighting up the entire room. I could still smell the bonfire on my hair and clothes from the night before.
My ex-husband was and is ruled by anger. And in time, and through therapy, I learned that anger is a reaction to a feeling. That means that he could have been feeling frustrated, hurt, scared, disappointed, etc. and instead of acknowledging that feeling, he would react in a fit of anger. It is also very important to him that he always be right (stemming from his low self-esteem). And when I challenged his thinking, he would get angry and we would usually get into a fight. Now let me be clear, it’s not like we were debating philosophical ideals, politics, or religion where we could seemingly get into a heated debate. Our arguments would be over what actor starred in a certain movie, or what time a doctor’s appointment was the next morning, or something just as stupid. Trivial nonsense.
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I have received feedback from some of my subscribers that are curious to learn more about my divorce. I figure that before I get to sex after divorce, I would use some of the next posts to give you all a deeper understanding of how and why I got divorced. For me, it is an extremely scary and hard place to go back to and write about. But, it seems that many of you feel connected to my experiences that I have shared so far, and keeping that connection going is most important to me. So here goes…
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When my (ex) husband and I got married, it happened very quickly. There were extenuating circumstances and once I accepted his proposal, we had to get married within a two-month time frame. Presumably, we didn’t have a traditional honeymoon, so seven months after our marriage, we actually went on what I considered to be our real honeymoon and ventured to the magical island of Santorini in Greece.
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“I had to learn how to suppress my sexuality in order to stay in my marriage.”
My marriage was great initially…but I should have left after six months into it. I stayed another three years because I believed that people generally are good and want to better themselves. I believed that we both could be better, better for each other. I believed that we both took our vows seriously and that we both would put in the effort to make things work. Of course, I now know and have learned the hard way that this is not true. Just because I wanted to work at things, doesn’t mean that my (ex) husband wanted to.
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